I had been running from a question I was afraid to ask for years. I couldn’t seem to face it, I couldn’t allow my lips to utter it, yet its unknown answer often spun in my head and left my soul in anguish.
My head knew the truth, knew that the past had no power over me unless I chose to allow it to.
My head knew the truth, that God had redeemed my past and delivered me from evil.
My head knew the truth, that God is Sovereign and that extends to being sovereign over suffering.
His very own Son. Hung. On a Cross...on display for the whole world to see.
My head knew the truth. My heart didn’t get the memo.
Somehow, my suffering seemed too high of a mountain to climb. It seemed daunting and most days, impossible to ever come out the other side. Years and years of running from it left me exhausted, burnt out, spent... The erosion that tears had caused left a valley on my cheek from their constant flow. Long ago I installed a dam and commanded my eyes to stop gushing and a brick wall to command my heart to stop feeling. But somehow, my attempts at controlling the pain began to leak from my eyes and my heart once again, I made numerous attempts to trap the tears with sandbags, but failed, leaving me “feeling” once again.
So the wrestling match began.....
A constant hum of my pain buzzed in the air and even daylight pierced my heart. A struggle took place that was laughable...the God of the universe vs. little ol' me. Yet, He engaged and was very present as I grabbed a hold of Him.
An idea entered the struggle....The idea of allowing God to HEAL the deepest parts of my soul. It invaded my neat and tidy space.
Once Pristine..Now Disheveled.
There were papers thrown everywhere from the piles of journal entries where I begged for healing, but refused to allow it...because allowing it, meant I had to peek inside the file I buried it in and admit the damage that suffering caused me.
O, Wayward Soul, Discouraged Heart, why do you constantly walk in confusion, and what is it that you actually want? And if you want it so bad, why don’t you walk thru Healing’s Gates?
And it continues...
My muscles are getting stronger now from the battle that has raged. As I look down at my tired arms and legs, still wrestling,
I can distinctly see definition where there used to be flab.
I can see strength where there used to be fear.
I can see trust where there used to be paranoia.
Life where there used to be death
. ...and on the horizon I can see intimacy where there used to be distance.
And I no longer have words, but I don’t really need them...., for there is a WORD that lies within me that has begun to put all other words to rest.
In one last battle stance, I grab ahold and cry out . I utter the question that I have feared for far too long, the question that paralyzes me....”Why?” Why did you allow it, if you love me so?” If you saw me, why did you not rescue me?
And, instead of an answer, I found an embrace. I found peace. I found my Protector, my Healer, my Friend. No answers, just peace...peace in knowing that my suffering led me straight to Him. My muscles relax and where there was exhaustion, rest has finally been found.